Poly Shorts:“Well, I am the only one watching this western”

Moving the goal posts and checking in on the boundaries

The quote that is the title of this article was said by my boyfriend as me and my girlfriend, who is also his girlfriend, lay in his lap kissing…I mean…he wasn’t wrong, we absolutely were not watching it…sorry babe. That is right, the time has come in Poly Shorts where I get to do my favourite thing….talk about my partners. Firstly because they are the easier articles to write and secondly because who doesn’t want to talk about the amazing people in their life?

Now, you may be sat thinking…or standing, no discrimination here…Wow! you must all hang out all the time and just cuddle puddle and climb on each other and just get real 60’s with it man. And I would like to stop you right there and ask the standing people to please now take a seat with everybody else. It isn’t as you would imagine, and actually, this was the first time the 3 of us had hung out in the same space for a really long time…why? It was a boundary I put in place.

It feels that talking about and setting boundaries has been much more openly talked about in the last 2 years. And not just talked about but there has actually been a lot more education accesible as to how we do this, not only in our relationships but in all areas of life. And interestingly,as a kink positive human, my limits in kink are the only real boundaries I ever really set or ackowldged. Which…typing now, sounds ludicrous! Like we have just been swaying in and out of relationship dynamics with little to no boundaries, just having our lines stepped over and then wonder why we feel like a beaten against a wall rag doll!

So it was really important that when I started dating 2 individual people that also dated each other, I was clear about where my boundaries were. Yes we do date each other and love each other very much, however, my relationship to Jonah and my relationship to Iulia are seperate. And it was and is important to me, and them, that this is what we wanted and is a boundary in our set up. Now, this is also very new for me and sort of all happened without expecting it, so there were situations that arose that made me face boundaries. Let me give you an example…here she goes, pretending this is going to be a short article. As a performer I wanted my partners to be there and support, have a good night, tear up the town. However, what I quickly learnt was that it was hard for me to see them interact on an intimate level. Now there are a lot of poly people that say this is one of the best things for them in non-monogamy…well friends, I wasn’t quite there yet. So, one night, after a show they had come together to see, I behaved not so well and realised it is because I was ignoring a boundary. I was not yet ready for us all to be in the same space and was not being honest about that.

I hear you, I hear you ask why it took a while to say anything. And the answer is really simple. Boundaries are hard to set! especially with people that you love. You don’t want them to feel pushed away, you don’t want to be made to seem difficult or asking for “too much”. When relaying to both my partners this boundary, I had to hold back tears and fear of being abandoned and it being my fault…..now if you knew who I am in relationships with, you would smack me on the back of the head, because they would never do this. But no matter how wonderful your partners are, setting a boundary can feel like you have put up a wall between you. The truth is by NOT setting them, that is when you really do put up a wall, against yourself, and lose authenticity in your relationship. And so, we didn’t hang out together for a long while. Which, in itself, felt like I had restrcted my partners and had to work through that.

Then, recently, an opportunity arose for us all to hang out and watch movies together. And as I read the invite message I paused….for a long time….for thought. And I wondered maybe….just maybe…this is where I could dip my toe back in, and just check the comfort temperature. It was wonderful. To be in a space that was familiar to me, surrounded by love and warmth, and also, that I went home afterwards….was all very comfortable. A few days later I messaged both my partners to say that I hoped they didn’t feel “messed about” but that I felt in a good place to maybe re address my boundary and…very slowy and gently…move the goal posts.Which was, of course, absolutley fine.

What I am learning about boundaries and goalposts is that they CAN be changed and moved. Some are over all boundaries that maybe are about you as an individual and how you live your life. And some are what I think of as boundary markers, a boundary that you need for now, until you have done some self work, gotten to move in your relationships a little more and bascially…work it out. It wasn’t just my partners that I checked in with afterwards.

As I left them both that evening, after a lovely hang out, I checked in with myself. I walked a while and had a very honest internal conversation with myself…had there been anxieties? yes, every now and again but they soon left. Were you comfortable seeing them both interact? Yes…yes I was. And what I also had to remind myself of is that this didn’t have to be it, the goal post may move again, there may be boundaries that my partners will set that will be markers or something permanent…..and that all of these things are ok….because we, in our own individual relationships to one another and as a dynamic, are building something in our own image, in a way I choose to live my life…and that…that takes morphing, continuously.

Since starting to write this they have both come and see me perform and as I stood at the back of the room, watching two people that I love, having a moment between them….I took a deep breath, smiled and whispered “Oh hell yea”